


"Attention shoppers, we will be closing in - Oh, you're still here?"

by Antifreeze_at_its_Finest



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A jar of Vaseline saves the day, F/M, Graveyard shift shenanigans, Lactose Intolerance, Mall cop!Kageyama, More like a crack!comedy under extenuating circumstances, Not quite a crime drama, Or hand-eye coordination for that matter, Reader has no athleticism to speak of, Retail employee!Reader, Tag-teaming with a mall cop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27753334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antifreeze_at_its_Finest/pseuds/Antifreeze_at_its_Finest
Summary: A forgotten purse on your first day in retail has you traipsing through the mall after closing hours. The last thing you expect is to tag-team with a(n admittedly gorgeous) mall cop to take down a local underwear thief, but hey. There are worse ways to spend a Saturday night, right?
Relationships: Kageyama Tobio/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39





	"Attention shoppers, we will be closing in - Oh, you're still here?"

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is a little one-shot I wrote back in the summer. It's got a whole lot of crack, a clumsy-as-all-hell reader, and features my original Haikyuu crush, Kageyama. ^_^
> 
> ALSO IMPORTANT TO NOTE:  
> La Senza=a lingerie retailer in my country  
> Shoppers Drug Mart=a retail pharmacy in my country
> 
> Hope you enjoy! :)

“Stupid, stupid, stupid…” you muttered to yourself as you power-walked through the empty halls of the shopping mall. Closed stores flanked you on either side, the glass-panelled screens slid over them reflecting your idiotic face right back at you.

You just had to forget your purse at the cash register, didn’t you? On your first day of work, too.

Luckily, your manager had taken pity on you, and before bidding you farewell at the mall entrance, she’d given you her keys to the store with a warning that this better not happen again. Knowing yourself as you did, though, you could make no promises.

As the obnoxiously pink storefront of your workplace came into view, you let out a relieved sigh. If you ever met the bozo who came up with this floor-plan, you’d go full berserk on him. Why did Victoria’s Secret have to be in the east wing on the top floor? The closest exit was two escalators down and past both bath and body shops, dammit. It’s like they _wanted_ to aggravate your (admittedly already-weak) calf muscles.

Twisting the key in the lock, you pushed away the heavy glass sliding panel just enough for you to slip inside. As you felt around the wall for the light-switch, you bumped into something that felt awfully human.

You couldn’t help it. Your nerves were already frayed from venturing in here in the dead of night on your first day. You did what any rational person would do.

_"Ahhhhh!!!"_

You screamed your lungs out.

“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God…!” you said in a frenzy, fumbling for the phone in your pocket to shine a light on what you were expecting to be a pretty grisly scene.

To your relief, there was no dead body or axe murderer standing above you – just a very tall mannequin decked out in a lace chemise and matching panties.

“I swear to God I am never coming into a mall after closing again… I bet I just shaved five years off my lifespan,” you muttered ruefully. You flicked the mannequin in the forehead just for the hell of it, then, feeling guilty, rubbed the same place to ease the imaginary bruise.

Lighting your path with your phone, you weaved your way around the store displays and clothing racks before finally reaching the cash register. There your purse lay, completely unassuming, as if it had no idea it was the cause of all your current life problems.

You glared at it for another few seconds before snatching it up and draping the strap across your body. Thank goodness you got what you came here for, now if only the buses were still running–

“Hands in the air!”

Oh. You spoke too soon.

A flashlight blinded you as you put your arms above your head, squinting to see your captor. The darkness obscured too much of his face for you to really make him out, but you could tell from his tie and badge that he was a mall cop. Maybe he’d let you off easy then, if the movies were anything to go by.

You could only hope.

“Who the hell are you and what are you doing here?” Okay, so maybe this guy was a little more intimidating than Paul Blart.

“Uh, I’m (Y/N) (L/N), I’m newly hired. You can check my employee ID on my SpongeBob lanyard.”

“You’re an employee? Then what were you doing screaming here in the pitch-black darkness? The mall closed half an hour ago.”

“Oh shoot, you heard that? That’s embarrassing.”

“Answer the question!”

“Right! Um… I left my purse here and my manager gave me the keys to come get it. I’m sorry, it’s just that my purse has my house keys, and neither of my parents are home tonight, and we don’t keep a spare key anymore because of the burglary last year, and I can’t crash at a friend’s since–”

“I didn’t ask for your life story! Just come over here with the bag.”

You padded over with your head hung low, opening your purse in humble offering. Maybe if you played the pity card, this guy would let you off easy. It worked on your manager.

“Wallet… SpongeBob lanyard… house keys… gum… oh my God!” The man snatched his hand out of your purse as if he’d been burned. You peered inside out of curiosity.

There your tampons lay, scattered across the other contents of your purse like a boxing-day sale gone wrong in the female hygiene section of Shoppers Drug Mart. Yeah, this guy must’ve either been really innocent or just never paid attention in health class. You guessed both.

“Ahem.” You watched, unimpressed but marginally less intimidated, as he cleared his throat and straightened his already-crisp uniform. And oh, _there_ was the light switch.

Reaching around past him, you flicked the switch and shielded your eyes as the bright fluorescent lights of the store illuminated your surroundings. Once your vision had adjusted, you looked up to see your mall cop’s face.

Oh. Well, he was young. And tall.

And _gorgeous._

“Doesn’t seem like there are any stolen goods or weapons in here… You’re getting off with a warning this time. Don’t come in here after closing ever again.” Your nameless Adonis zipped up your purse and held it out for you to take. You did, but not before noticing the faint blush on his cheeks from – what you assumed to be – his first encounter with feminine hygiene products.

Cute.

“Trust me, I won’t. It’s way too creepy in here after dark, although I suppose you’d know that. You on night-watch or something?”

The cop peered down at you condescendingly. Huh. That was decidedly less cute.

“Yes, I’m on night-watch. It’s my first day, and I can say with confidence that you–”

“Oh, it’s my first day too!”

“–have utterly ruined my evening.”

…Okay, forget it. Forget the dreamy midnight-blue eyes, the fluffy black hair, the cheese-grater sharp jawline. This guy wasn’t cute in the slightest. Clearly you were suffering brain damage from that traumatic encounter with the mannequin.

Huffing, you spun on your heel and made to exit the store, obligatory goodbyes be damned. Before you could take two steps, however, you felt his hand on your arm tugging you back.

“Wait!” he said, and the urgency in his voice made you stay.

“What now? I thought you wanted me out of here.”

“I do, but it’s not safe to leave by yourself. Allow me to escort you to the exit.”

“I don’t need a babysitter! Please, carry on with your important mall cop duties. Save the world from mannequins wearing ladies’ underwear, I don’t care!”

He sighed, brow furrowing into an ever deeper frown if that was possible.

“Miss, for the past few weeks, there’s been a thief who sneaks into the mall after closing and steals women’s undergarments. You’re lucky he wasn’t here when you came in,” he said, scanning the store as if he expected the thief to pop out of one of the thong racks at any moment. “Although you could’ve fooled me with how much you were screaming.”

You decided to ignore that jab in favour of what he’d just revealed to you.

“There’s a pervert on the loose and you’re telling me _now?”_

“You were a potential suspect until a few minutes ago!”

“Right, because when ladies’ underwear gets stolen, the obvious culprit is a young woman and _not_ some slimy old dude!”

“Hey, that’s sexist _and_ ageist! I’m just doing my job here, I don’t know why you’re–”

The sound of running footsteps stole both your attention and his. As they began to fade into the distance, the two of you locked eyes.

“Any other guard on this floor besides you?”

“No. What other stores are in this wing?”

“La Senza. Shiitake, that’s our guy.”

Both of you bolted for the store entrance, but the mall cop beat you to it. Turning around so that his broad shoulders blocked your path, he looked at you down the length of his nose.

“Stay put, it’s too dangerous.”

“And you think here is safer? We’re standing in ‘God Save the Queen’ _Victoria’s Secret,_ if you hadn’t noticed!”

“The thief probably heard us arguing earlier, that’s why he ran right past. He’ll avoid this place for the rest of the night, you’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“That’s because he heard a man’s voice! What happens if he comes back and sees that I’m alone? And yes, I know we’re living in a world where everyone’s striving for gender equality, but there are certain things I’m more vulnerable to as a woman! Believe me, the last thing I want to do is stick around you all night, but right now, it seems like my best option.”

You could see the hesitation in his eyes already. You waited with bated breath, but deep inside, you knew you’d already won.

“…Fine. But my primary focus right now is getting you out safe, not traversing through the entire mall to catch this guy. That can wait till you’re outta here. Let me think, the nearest exit from the east wing is…”

You leaned on the wall as you waited for realization to dawn on him, which it inevitably did.

“…This is officially the worst first day of any job I’ve _ever_ had.”

“You and me both, buddy. You and me both.”

“…Come on.”

Wearing a triumphant smirk, you ran back to flick off the lights before rejoining your companion at the store entrance. You could still hear him grumbling to himself as you slid the heavy glass panel closed and locked up. As soon as the bolt clicked, he was walking.

“Wait up!” you called, already jogging to keep up. “Not all of us have freakishly long legs.”

“I’ll have you know that these come in handy on the court.”

“Oh? What do you play, basketball?”

He scoffed, turning to you with a scowl. You wondered if you’d get to see this guy smile by the end of the night. You’d known him only twenty minutes, but in that time, his facial expressions had been limited to frown, glare, and grimace. He must be _so_ much fun at parties.

“Volleyball.”

“Huh?”

“I play volleyball.”

“Oh, that sounds like fun. It… suits you.”

“…It does, yeah.”

“…What position do you play?”

The two of you carried on with your awkward small talk all the way to Bath & Body Works _._ It was rare for you to find someone even more socially inept than yourself, but you found it almost endearing, the way he would take long pauses between sentences or look at his shoes when conversation got dull, then suddenly monologue about the most obscure things. You were lactose-intolerant, but you could listen to this boy talk about all the brands of milk in his university’s vending machine for hours.

“No way! They sell lactose-free too?”

“Yeah! But those ones always sell out around mid-morning, so –”

His abrupt silence made you look up. Noticing that your companion was frozen in place, you stopped walking as well, turning towards whatever had so wholly captured his attention.

“I think I just saw our guy disappear around that corner." His voice was dangerously calm.

“…That’s the direction we’re heading anyways,” you answered with a lilt. This really _was_ gonna be like the movies! You were Paul Blart!

“Stay here. Take this. Don’t get any ideas.”

“Oh, come on!”

You watched in a mixture of disgruntlement and fascination as he raced down the chain of stores in front of you. From his unfairly long legs alone, you figured he’d already be quick on his feet, but now you were thinking he’d picked the wrong sport after all; track-and-field was definitely his calling. He was right to leave you behind – you’d have just slowed him down.

It wasn’t until he disappeared from your sight that you finally looked at what he’d given you.

…At least this duct-taped walkie talkie could give you a semi-authentic mall cop experience. The sides were scratched and the antenna seemed a little crooked. You wondered if it even still worked.

Your question was answered minutes later.

 _“Stay down, pretty boy,”_ said a grainy voice through the speaker. It sounded distinctly male, but you couldn’t recognize it.

 _“Get off me!”_ Oh. Oh no, that was your mall cop, you were sure of it. _“It’s The Body Shop!”_

_“What are you rambling about? You better–”_

You inhaled sharply as the voices cut out. Cursing under your breath, you hooked the walkie talkie onto one of your belt loops, thanked the Lord that you wore your orthopedic shoes for your four-hour shift, and sprinted off to your destination.

You were panting by the time you arrived, still trying to catch your breath as you squinted into the dim light. There outside The Body Shop was your mall cop, belly-down on the floor and arms pinned behind his back by a brawny young man with a mad look in his eyes. You put your hand over your mouth to keep from screaming. The sight of your cop writhing beneath his captor, however, filled you with new resolve.

That’s right. He’d radioed you for a reason. You could so do this.

Rummaging in your purse, you looked around for the closest thing you had to a weapon. A pack of tissues? No. Your keys? No. Tub of Vaseline? You felt the weight of the object in your hand, considered, then acquiesced. It would do more damage than a tampon, at least.

Winding your arm back, you focused in on the man crushing your mall cop with his weight, and threw as hard as you could…

…Only for the tub to land four feet away from your mark.

It met the ground with a loud _THUNK!,_ distracting the thief long enough for your cop to break free of his hold and slide out from beneath his body. Before he could act, though, the thief jumped to his feet and broke out into a getaway sprint.

He didn’t get very far.

“W-w-woah!” he stammered, slipping a few feet away and landing gracelessly on his back. You winced when you heard something crack, tentatively approaching the scene after seeing your mall cop stoop down to handcuff the man.

“It must have burst on impact,” he said as the thief groaned. You looked down to see the sad remains of your Vaseline tub, petroleum jelly lying in a violent splatter on the floor. Two smudged boot prints were stamped in the mess from where the thief had fallen.

“Thanks for coming.” You looked down to where your cop was still kneeled over the criminal, that faint pink coming back to colour his cheeks. Oh, he wouldn’t meet your eyes. How precious.

“I didn’t do much, but you’re welcome. Thanks for helping me live out my mall cop dreams,” you said in response. “I’ll call the police to pick this guy up, just keep an eye on him in the meantime.”

You could hear the thief spitting profanities as you pulled out your cellphone and made the call. As you waited for the operator to pick up, you walked over to where he’d dropped the goods, peering into his plastic garbage bag curiously. Well… this certainly was a lot of inventory.

“Yes, hello? I’m at Sendai Parco Mall, security just apprehended an underwear thief… I mean, you could _call_ it shoplifting, but this guy actually broke into the place after closing, so I guess he’s a trespasser too… Yes, he’s handcuffed, no weapon… Okay, thank you.”

You hung up the call, told your mall cop that the police would be here soon, and resumed your journey to the mall entrance, criminal in tow. With the impending threat of a pervert now removed, you passed the time in easy conversation, punctuated here and there by a muttered curse on the thief’s lips. As you neared your destination, he called you something rather… unsavoury, but one hard look from your mall cop had him silent the rest of the way. Huh. Maybe his glares _were_ good for something.

By the time the police arrived to take the thief away, you could already see the beginnings of a pinkish hue colouring the sky. You were out of the mall at last, but it looked like your impromptu adventure had taken up most of the night.

“Looks like the sun’s coming up soon,” you noted, checking your phone. 5:02 AM. At least your parents weren’t home to chew you out. And hey, maybe by now the morning buses would be running.

“Thank you for your help tonight,” your cop said from where he stood beside you. You turned to face him, and unlike before, he met your eyes. Hm. Maybe it was the natural light or the wind blowing through his hair, but you decided that your first impression had been right. He _was_ cute.

“My pleasure. Any chance I’ll see you again?”

“Not unless you’re lurking here after dark every Saturday.”

“Aw, that’s too bad. Well, maybe I can drop by your university sometime and buy that lactose-free milk from the vending machine.”

“The campus is way too big for us to bump into each other, but I still recommend you try it. Your weak genes will thank you.”

Resisting the urge to scoff, you stared hard into his eyes, debating whether or not you should just go for it.

…Oh, to hell with it. You’d just broken into a shopping centre and taken down a criminal by tag-teaming with a _mall cop,_ you could do anything. You dug in your purse for your phone and held it out to him expectantly.

“Here. Give me yours.”

“…If this is some new telemarketing scam, I’m unfamiliar with it.”

“No, you…! I’m giving you my number, dummy! And I was hoping you’d give me yours, but if you’re not interested I’ll just–”

You made to put your phone away, but he snatched it out of your hands before you had the chance. After rummaging in one of his many pockets for his own, he handed it off to you. You noticed he couldn’t meet your eyes again and that the blush had spread down to his neck. You smiled to yourself.

After taking a moment to fill in your contact info, you returned your phones to each other. _Kageyama Tobio._ What a pretty name.

“Hey! Why’d you save your name with a bra and underwear emoji?” He seemed decidedly less satisfied.

“So you’ll remember the utterly ridiculous circumstances under which we met.”

“But it’s… it’s…”

“It’s what?”

“It’s so… so…” You couldn’t help laughing as he sputtered, now completely red in the face. You wiped a tear from your eye as he began to settle down, his embarrassment turning into annoyance. He glared at you again and you had to crack.

“You can change it if you want, _Kageyama Tobio._ It was nice fighting for justice together in an empty mall, but next time we meet, let’s do it in a lower-stakes environment. Like one of your volleyball games.”

“Hey, I’ll have you know that those get _really_ intense!”

“So that’s a no…?”

“No, I just meant… Well, uh…” He began to rub the back of his neck uncertainly and you decided to go in for the kill.

“Save me a seat?”

“…Yeah, that sounds nice.”

Oh. He _could_ smile, after all. You decided you liked the way his eyes crinkled and his grin leaned too far to one side. It was lopsided, but adorable.

“You should smile more often. Makes you look less intimidating.”

“Hey, that’s rude!”

“Aw, you’re frowning again. You’re so much more handsome when you smile, what a shame.”

As the two of you watched the sun peek over the horizon – Kageyama’s face still blazing from your last comment – you decided that your first day on the job hadn’t been so bad after all.

“We’d better get promoted after this,” you said. “I know you’ve got the athlete’s body and everything, but after running around that stupid mall, my calves are _burning.”_

You were serious, but the sound of Kageyama’s laugh made you feel like the pain was worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! ^_^ This was originally supposed to be a one-shot, but lemme know if you're interested in seeing it expanded into a full-length work. Thank you for reading!!


End file.
